Humour

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear
of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him: “I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under
it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year”, said the
shrink. ” Come talk to me three times a week and we
should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the
doctor.

“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears
you were having?” he asked.

“Well, one hundred fifty dollars a visit, three times
a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me
for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all
that money that I went and bought me a new pickup
truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said,
“and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t
nobody under there now.”

It’s always better to get a second opinion.


 

Dictionary of Project Terms

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties– We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.

Major Technological Breakthrough–Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research–It was discovered by accident.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured–We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period–We haven’t started this job yet, but we’ve got to say something.

Test results were extremely gratifying–It works, and are we surprised.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem–We just hired three new guys; we’ll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive–The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned–The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties–We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.


 

Hearing

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said,
“Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over,
please come forward to the front by the altar.”

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn,
the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray
about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help
with my hearing.”

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear,
placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then
prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a “blue streak”
for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with
great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands,
stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”


 

Senior Computer Skills…….

Tech support:    What kind of computer do you have?
Customer:          A white one…
Tech support:    Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:          Your left or my left?************************
Customer:    Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘can’t find printer’.I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor,  but the computer still says he can’t find it..
*************************Customer:         My keyboard  is not working anymore.
Tech support:    Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer:          No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support:    Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:           OK
Tech support:    Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:          Yes
Tech support:   That means the keyboard  is not plugged in.
*************************
Customer:            I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support:      Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:            Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech  support:    Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:           Five dots.
*************************
Tech  support:   What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:          Netscape.
Tech support:    That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer:          Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer..
*************************
Customer:     I have a huge problem.  A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,  but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
*************************
Tech support:     How may I help you?
Customer:           I’m writing my first email.
Tech support:    OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:          Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
*************************
This one and the next      are our personal favorites!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:     Are you running it under windows?
Customer:   ‘No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.’
************************
And last but    not least!
Tech  support:    ‘Okay Bob, let’s  press the control and escape keys at the same time.

That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.  Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.’
Customer:          I don’t have a P.
Tech  support:   On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:          What do you mean?
Tech support:   ‘P’…..on your  keyboard, Bob.
Customer:   I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

 


 

Eggs

A young girl was helping her mother bag groceries
when we heard the tell-tale “splat” of the eggs
hitting the floor.
The girl looked up and her lip started quivering
as she waited for mom’s response.
Mom looked at her, looked at the eggs, smiled and
said “See, I told you we were making scrambled eggs
today!”.


 

Makeup

A family was rushing to get to the movies.

The parents told the children they had to leave “right now”
at which point their teenage daughter headed for the bathroom
to apply makeup.

Her father yelled for her to get in the car immediately, and
headed to the garage grumbling.

On the way to the theater, the father glanced in the rearview
mirror and saw his daughter applying lipstick and blush, which
produced the predictable lecture. “Look at your mom,” he said.
“She didn’t put on any makeup just to go sit in a dark movie
theater.”

The daughter’s response was, “Yeah, but Mom doesn’t need makeup.”

The mother’s heart was swelling with the compliment, and she
turned back to thank this sweet, wonderful daughter just as she
continued, “Nobody looks at her.”

 


 

Life Without Email…

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft
as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take
an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed
at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail
address, so that I can send you a form to complete and
tell you where to report for work on your first day.”

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a
computer nor an e-mail address. To this the Microsoft
manager replies, “Well then, that means that you virtually
don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.”

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB
flat of tomatoes at the supermarket.

Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes
individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several
times more that day,he ends up with almost $100 before
going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make
a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and
going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several
dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again
so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding
business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of
a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred
former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides
to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance
adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances.

At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser
asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final
documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is
stunned, “What! You don’t have e-mail? How on earth have
you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet,
e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now,
if only you had been connected to the Internet from the very
start!”

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied,
“Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”

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